26 + weeks.

Oh my goodness!  I am a terrible blogger! 
We have made it to 26 weeks!! (and beyond)  And my belly is getting huge:)  Little man is doing well, as far as we can tell...and I even came across a doppler to ease my mind and listen to his heart whenever I am feeling week or stressed.  His movements are getting stronger by the day...even to the point where I can SEE him moving now:)

Some photos from the past few weeks...

@ 22 weeks.

Liliana's view @ 23 weeks

 @ 25 weeks

Somedays..I can still see my feet:)

And a look inside at 25 weeks 3 days:

20 + weeks...

We have officially made it to the half way point (and beyond)!!
I am so incredibly thankful that, so far, everything with our little man seems to be going well.  We had a level 2 ultrasound last week, and had a consult with a high risk specialist who stated that he thought everything was going well, and as sad as it is to say, or think about, is convinced that what happened with Sebastion was merely a random, unfortunate event.  Not the fist, sure it won't be the last, time I have heard this.  As my OB put it so blatantly, lightning doesn't strike twice, and that is the way he views what happened.
According to the little man's measurements, he is growing well... a week ahead actually, and in the 97%.  He was EXTREMELY active during the scan, and it was hard to get clear photos...but incredible to watching him bouncing around on the big screen:)

Perfect Profile.

Showing us how he can touch his nose, with his knee.

The little feet that I love to feel kicking me.

 Liliana joined us for the ultrasound... the first moment that she actually caught on to why mommy's belly was getting bigger.  She is super excited to be a big sister...again.  Only this time... she say's she is getting a new baby brother that she can cuddle with and snuggle, since her other brother is in heaven.  I pray she is right.   She has even started kissing my belly goodnight.

On friday I had a panic attack.  For those of you who may not know, when Sebastion passed away, we made the decision to have him cremated and buried his ashes in an urn.  We also chose to seperate some of the ashes out and have them places in cremation jewelry for both mommy and daddy to keep close to their hearts.

The moon on the right holds Sebastion's ashes.  The angel on the left was gift from his daddy, and the tree in the middle a gift from his Nana.

The only time I remove it is to take a shower.  Well...I did just that on Friday, but when I went to put the necklace back on... my moon had vanished!  I instantly started crying.  BAWLING!  I was crawling around on my hands and knees in search of my son's precious ashes all the while thinking of how I had failed him as a mother.  In the mean time, my adorable 3 year old daughter was hugging me, telling me that everything was going to be ok.  'things get lost all the time momma!  It will be all right"  The first true sign of empathy I had seen from her.  She was quite consoling, although, I wasn't having it.  She even went as far as to tell me that if I didn't stop crying, I would make her cry.  God love her.  After nearly an hour of crying, searching and sobbing... I spotted the moon behind the toilet.  And my necklace is complete once again.  Lesson learned.... never take it off!  Even to shower.

As we move ahead into the next week, my nerves are high.  Higher than normal.  Monday will be 21 weeks, 3 days... the day in our pregnancy that Sebastion's heart stopped beating.  I am so nervous, anxious, and fearful as the 'milestone' approaches.  Yet at the same time, loving every single kick, nudge, and flip that I feel throughout the day, and night.
So that being said...please keep us in your thoughts.

Today I attended our local baby loss and healing memorial walk. 
I must say that this year was so much easier to handle than last year.  I'm sure that a years time had a lot to do with it, but I think the fact that I could step in and help out was part of it as well. The lady who organizes the function had contacted me a few weeks ago and asked if I could help at the registration table, and of course I was more than willing.
The walk was nice.  I cried.  A few times, but I was never to the point of sobbing.  I do have to say that I was a little disappointed though..... last year, I had so much support from friends and family, and this year only my Mom came along.  No one else even mentioned it.  Does that mean they have all forgotten?  Or that they no longer care?  It seems as though since I have become pregnant that everyone just expects me to be the happiest person in the universe and that all the trauma and heart ache of the past 14 months should be null and void.  It makes me want to scream at times.
Anyhow... last night I made shirts for myself, Liliana, and my momma to wear today... I think they turned out rather nice:)

The backs of my shirt and my mom's were basically the same.  Now I have roughly 5 months to wear this shirt as often as possible and watch the rainbow grow:)

A couple of weeks ago a few BLM's who are expecting were talking about the fruit bowl theory in terms of comparing baby size week by week and someone had mentioned the idea of taking pictures with the fruit of the week... These are what I have so far:

 15 weeks, 5 days.... Naval Orange.

16 weeks, 5 days.... avacodo.

Sorry to my followers...I am bad at updates:(  This photo was taken at least a week ago, so rougly 14 - 14 1/2 weeks along....and I think one of my favorite pregnancy photos I have to date... of all 3 pregnancies.  Today makes 15 weeks, 5 days.  and I  am beginning to feel discouraged in the fact that I haven't felt much movement.  I started feeling flutters around 12 weeks. I would feel little taps about every few days...but now... Nothing.  With Sebastion I was feeling movement quite a bit at this point...or at least I think I was.. Perhaps my memory has failed me... likely due to lack of sleep.  Aye Aye.... sleep is NOT over rated.  I need more.  I can not get enough... yet I barely get any at all.  Once I fall asleep I wake nearly every half hour due to back pain... or a dog in my face... or a bladder that needs emptied.  Any suggestions for a better nights rest?

OH..... boy?

Wow!

We sure have a bouncy baby in there!!  Today's ultrasound went rather well... heart rate in the 140's and baby is weighing in at 3 oz... which according to the little ticker over there to the right... is double the norm? 

A bit bittersweet as the ultrasound tech we had today was the same tech who had the misfortune of doing the scan that showed Sebastion had died.  I think she may have been a bit nervous as she started out incredibly fast with measurements.  As she calmed down she asked if we were going to find out the sex to which Derek immediately responded..."It's a girl!"  I giggled and she asked me if I had any feelings on the matter... to which I replied... "It changes about every week."  She then proceeded chasing the baby around with the wand because it moved around so much... Hyper active, already:)

So with out further ado.... here are some photos:

 I am so in love with that little face already :)

 I have a couple more to post but for some reason they will only load sideways:(  Oh well... here is the important one:

So, as of right now... it looks like D's prediction was off this time.  2 out of 3 ain't bad though, right?
I realize it is still too early to know FOR sure...but it looks rather promising at the moment that a little boy is in our future.  Lily and Sebastion will have a little brother:)  My heart melts.  And the level 2 ultrasound in October should confirm it.

OH boy!!  Indeed.

almost 13 weeks...

D was finally able to make it to an appointment with me yesterday, it was nice to have him there, and for him to be able to her the babies heart beat, which once again, took no trouble to locate... With Sebastion there were times when it would take up to 10 minutes to locate the sound of his heart, and each time I would feel that impending doom while waiting... I remember once it took so long that I began to cry JUST before we heard it, and then cried even harder once the sound filled the room.
Doc seems to be confident that this will be a 'normal' pregnancy, and that losing Sebastion was really just a string of 'bad luck'.  *GASP*  I'm sorry, but I do not call the death of a child BAD LUCK.  Grrr... I like my doctor, don't get me wrong, but He was not quite himself yesterday... he seemed to have forgotten my history.  If you want to call something 'bad luck' I think it would be the fact that he has been my doctor for 3 pregnancies now, and has yet to actually deliver one of my children.  When Liliana was born, it was Sunday, and she was delivered by the on call doctor.  With Sebastion... my doc just so happened to be on vacation and the on call doctor came in to see me AFTER he was born, as no one was in the room at the moment of delivery but D... my mom had ran out to get the nurse.  Sooo, that being said... third time is a charm, right?  Dr. S had better be delivering our rainbow!
Anyhow... no ultrasound yesterday, but I do have one scheduled for Wednesday the 14th!  YAY!!! It's been a long wait, not knowing what is going on inside.  I can not wait to see our little bean on that screen and to have some photos to bring home and cherish... hang on the fridge, and perhaps even share with the rest of the world:)   Most everyone that I work with knows that we are expecting again, as well as a select few of my friends, and our families... but other than that we have kept quiet about this baby so far.  I would love to shout the news from the highest mountains and all the rooftops across the city, but Derek has asked me to wait.  To wait until we know it's safe.  SAFE?!  I told him we won't know it's safe until we can actually hold the baby in our arms... and even then, nothing in life, HELL, even life itself is never a guarantee!  Soooo I agreed to try to keep quiet at least until I am showing...which, by the way, is upon us.   I can't say that it looks like I have a baby bump...but the belly is definitely starting to poke out.   (not that I was skinny by any means to begin with) 

Weekly (almost) progression...

 9 weeks

 (please excuse the yuckies on the bathroom mirror)

 10 1/2 Weeks

12 Weeks, 6 Days.

12 weeks

In medical terms 12 weeks is supposed to be the magic number.  The 'safe' number.  The time in a pregnancy when if you made it this far... the chances of miscarriage become considerably smaller.  The time when most pregnancy books advise you that it is SAFE to tell friends and family of your new addition to your family.

In my experience... 12 weeks is when it all started to turn bad.  Up until 12 weeks I seemed to be having a 'normal' pregnancy with my son.  And then BAM!  I suddenly became 'at risk'.  The bleeding started.  Lots and lots of bleeding.  The diagnosis of a subchorionic hemmorhage... and it all started AFTER that 'safe' point.

Today, I am once again at that 'safe point'  and nervous as hell.    I continue to pray for this child, who is already so loved, cherished, desired and wanted...Please GOD, protect my child.  Keep my child healthy and safe. 

5 more days until my next OB appointment.  Fingers crossed that there are no issues between now and then, and that my mind will be set at ease with an ultrasound next week.  If this is when the hemmorhage  was detectable with Sebastion, I think it would be a good idea to know if it will happen again.