Monday, October 15, 2012

Hi, again.

Hello blog world!
I haven't been dabbling in this part of the internet for months and months... Not only have I not been writing, but I have failed to keep up with reading any of the lovely blogs that I followed for so long.  I guess perhaps I needed to distance myself from the environment for a bit and allow for some personal growth...or, more so, I have just been extremely busy with the adapting to being a stay at home mommy who decorates cakes out of the home.  However!!  I am here today:) 
If you have been wondering about my little life...thank you!!
I PROMISE I will try to update more soon, but at the moment...the rainbow just woke from his morning nap.... so I leave you with these recent photos, and a heart felt wish for a kind and gentle October 15th <3.

Monday, May 14, 2012

A Birth Story

It is with great pleasure that I am able to announce the arrival of our sweet little man!  Lincoln Xavier entered our world at 12:51 pm on Wednesday March 7th, and he took my breath away.

Looking back, my pregnancy seemed to go incredibly fast!  Even with all the added stress and worry that only a baby loss momma can understand.  Especially considering the fact that I do not believe we will have any more children... I will never be pregnant again.  Seems so odd to say.

So, with out further ado.... The story of Lincoln's birth:

The night before...
We decided to go out to eat, one last time, as a family of 3.  I had been craving a steak for days and my doctor had told me to be sure to eat a GOOD meal to store up some energy for the big day.  Steak, potatoes, salad, white cheddar bisquits...Yum!  We returned home shortly before 9 and I rechecked our bags to insure that we had everything we needed, hopped in the shower with my little girl and sent her off to bed with her Great Grandmother, who had come to spend the night so that Liliana wouldn't have to wake up at 4 am.  Induction was scheduled for 5.  I tried to sleep, but my nerves got the best of me...not too mention the constant urge to pee.  My alarm went off at 4 am, but I was already awake.  Time to get the show on the road!
one of the last belly pics

As I was sitting in the car waiting for Daddy to join me I looked up and was greeted by the sight of the full moon.  My sweet Sebastion was shining his light down on me.
 We arrive at the hospital  at 4:59 am, having to enter through the emergency room as the main entrance doors are locked until 5:30.  I walked down several hallways, diaper bag in tow (daddy had stayed behind to get in one final smoke before entering)  to the elevator... up to the third floor, ring the buzzer to be let in.. "Can I help you?" says the electronic voice from the box on the wall ... "I'm here to be induced"  I say, and then it hits me...the last time I said those words.  My sweet Sebastion.  "Come on in" the voice replies.
I am greeted by the nurse at the nurses station who politely guides me to room 327.  Really?!  Out of all my visits to the birthing center... a room I had NEVER been in before!!  I had been convinced walking in that I would be shacking up in 325, the room full of so many memories, good and bad.  The room where both of my previous children had been born.  BUT...327!  A clean slate!  I'll take it!  (not as if I had a choice)
I walked in, sat my bags down, kicked off my shoes, and headed for the bed.  A few minutes passed by before Daddy joined me, being just as surprised as myself that we were in a 'new' room.  After changing into the ever so wonderful hospital gown, the nurse went over paper work with me for what seemed like the next hour.  Next step, IV.  This took several rather uncomfortable pokes, and actually hurt for most of the time it was in the top of my hand, but once it was in, the induction could officially begin!
The view from my bed.
At this point I was checked to see how much progress I had made on my own...still 2 cm.  No progress.  My parents arrived around 630 am, ready to stay for the long haul. My dad came in, said his hellos and then headed for the waiting area... hospital rooms and all that are involved within them, are so NOT his thing. About every 30 minutes or so a nurse would come in and turn up the levels of pitocin.  At about 8am I made my final trip to the bathroom with a baby bump.
swollen, but rainbow ready toes:)

8:30 am, my doctor comes in to see me.  He sits down at the end of the bed to check my cervix and ask how I'm doing, if I decided whether or not to get the epidural, and states that he is likely going to wait awhile to break my water so we can see how I progress on the pitocin.  I was still at 2cm and the baby's head was still not engaged.  With out informing me of what he was doing he motioned to the nurse to go ahead and get the 'needle' to break my bag of waters.  I knew what was happening even though I had never had it done before.  I few pokes and then a HUGE gush.  The doctor looks surprised and says "OH! Did I do that?!  I'm sorry... hehe."  And then he had to jump off the bed so that he didn't get soaked.
Daddy napping on the pull out bed.

After the water was broken the contractions starting coming on a lot stronger.  At around 9 or 930 I asked the nurse if I could get up to go to the bathroom, she had to check me first... I had progressed to about 3 cm, but the baby's head was still not engaged... yep. Bedridden. I was bummed.  I really had wanted to be able to get up and walk around throughout my labor to help it along.  I did not get that option with my first labor because my water broke about 6 hours before contractions started, and the babies head was not engaged...apparently the umbilical cord could slip out before the babies head and cause major complications.  So, once again, I was confined to the bed, which also meant...bed pan.  Ugh.

Even though my contractions were coming on strong and getting closer together, the monitor was having a hard time picking them up.  The nurses would come in every 5 to 10 minutes and readjust the monitor on my belly, to no avail.   So at around 11ish, the decision was made to insert an internal monitor.  I had no idea such a thing existed, but my mom did...apparently my aunt had to have the same thing when she was in labor for my cousin.  The nurse warned me that it may feel a bit 'uncomfortable'.  The first nurse tried for several minutes to insert the probe past the babies head but was unsuccessful.  The second nurse took a few tries as well before she was able to get it into place...the failed attempts caused me to start bleeding, which really freaked my mom out.  Almost instantly, the contracts were now being recorded, and they were up in the 80s and 90s...just a couple of minutes apart... the pitocin level was increased once more.

At this point, Derek decided it was time to start massing my hands and feet in an attempt to progress the labor faster.  He worked on my hands for a few minutes first, and then began working on my feet...the contractions definitely became more intense as he worked.  At around noon the pain was incredibly intense, so I asked for the nurse to check my progress.    She stated that I was at about 5 cm and really thin, then asked if I had decided on the epidural.  All I could think was if I am in this much pain, and only half way there, then YES!  Put the order in!  When she had checked my cervix, I began to bleed a lot.  My mom was really uncomfortable with being in the room for the epidural, so she decided she she would go give my dad an update in the waiting room and sit with him for awhile, after all, I WAS only at 5 centimeters.  Derek was still intently working away on my feet.  As the contractions were coming less than 2 minutes apart and lasting for nearly a minute at a time, I kicked his hands away.  No more massage!  Hold my hand...NOW!

A few minutes and a few contractions later the nurse checked me again, this time, I was at 8!  The anesthesiologist was on his way to administer the epidural, and the nurse whispered to me, 'don't tell anyone that you are at 8, because 8 is too far for an epidural'.  Derek sent my mom a text telling her that I wanted her back in the room. I knew it wasn't going to happen.  I needed to push...the urge was overbearing. She could see the discomfort on my face and asked, you need to push, don't you?  YES!  She checked me again, and I was at 10!  It was go time.  The anesthesiologist knocked on my door and the nurse just shook her was too late.  I had gone from 5 to 10 centimeters in literally under 10 minutes.  The next thing I know, the nurses were putting on their gowns, preparing the tools, and turning on the BRIGHT overhead lights.  At this point, my mom finally reappeared in the room with a look of disbelief on her face... Derek informed her that I was at 10 and that it was time to push. "Where is Dr. Sullivan?" she asked.  He was in route from his office, which is only a short walk away as it is in a building behind the hospital. 

Things get a little blurry from here... I remember Doc showing up, taking on look at me and saying "I see you decided against the epidural!  You are a brave woman, and you can do push."  At some point, my mom had taken my hand, and Derek took his place right next to the doctor.  With each contraction, the babies heart rate would drop.  It had been doing so for about an hour, but not low enough to insist on a c-section.  I could feel the doctor attempting to stretch my skin with massaging wasn't working.  He looked at Derek and said "I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to cut her."  (A week prior we had a discussion about how I did not want an episiotomy unless absolutely necessary.  With my first child, the on call doctor didn't even ask, he just walked in,saw that I had had an epidural, picked up the scalpel, and cut...Instant level 3 episiotomy.  Derek nearly punched him in the face, as it had been in my birth plan that I would prefer to tear.)  Derek took one look at was happening and said...'you do what you gotta do!' 

A few more  pushes and the doc informs me that the baby has black hair..."keep it up, your doing great!"  "Now get mad!!  PUSH with all your might, you are almost there"... I let out a loud groan, and could feel the baby push through... Silence.

The cord had been wrapped around his neck.  Nearly 20 seconds went by before I heard him cry...but it felt like 10 years.    I had asked the doctor to delay the cord cutting, not realizing that the cord wouldn't allow enough length for me to bring him to my for a few minutes all I could do was hold him on my belly, when I wanted to do was kiss his little forehead!


cord cutting...finally!
first hug

first meal...he latched on right away.
I had chosen to do kangaroo care, or skin to skin contact...we were given nearly an hour to bond, mother and son,  before daddy had his first chance to hold his boy, and before they took his measurements.

7 pounds... 21 inches.
The day may have had it's ups and downs...but it was perfect in every way... our little boy was alive, kicking and screaming...

Sunday, January 29, 2012

33 weeks and then some...

Holy cow!!  I can't believe that in less than 7 weeks, our little boy will be in my arms, and nestled up in my chest, next to my heart.  I can picture it...just having a hard time believing that it will actually happen.  I am terrified of the oh so realistic possibilities.
That being said.  The nursery is still not put together.  I think Daddy is dragging his feet because he doesn't believe it's actually going to happen either?  On the plus momma and my niece did get the room painted, and it looks wonderful:)  But that is the extent of the preparedness of his room.  In the upstairs hallway, I have bags and bags of baby clothes that are piled up in the corner, waiting to be washed, and waiting to have a place to 'belong'... like a dresser...that would be nice.  We have yet to buy the first diaper. 
Cutest thing 14 and 16 year old nieces have decided to throw a baby shower in little man's honor:)  So sweet of them to do!  I am excited, but at the same time, secretly worried that people may not want to come, as this is my third pregnancy, and we all know where the second one ended up.
I guess I am feeling a bit down, and defeated as Daddy does not seem to be excited or hopeful or optimistic or quite frankly even give 2 shits about what might be going on in my head.  When I was pregnant for our little girl...he came to every single OB appointment, every single ultrasound, and was by my side every step of the way.  With Sebastion, he made it to all the appointments that he could, when he wasn't working...he was still excited and asked questions when he would miss out on appointments.  And when Sebastion died...he was right there crying along with me...every step of the way.  Now I know everyone grieves in different ways, but honestly, about a month after we lost him...Our 'closeness' changed.  For the past year, if I should happen to be feeling down and missing our son when others are around I get a sigh of exasperation and an eye roll....get over it already.  Not  really something you want to hear coming from the other parent of said dead child.  Just makes my heart break even more.  And now as I am typing this, I feel bad, not only for Sebastion, or myself, but for Daddy as well.  I wish we could all go back to our 'normal' unsuspecting/ care-lives...but we can't!  And now I have gotten side tracked.  This time around, with our second son... Daddy has made it to 3 out of 7 ultrasounds...and MAYBE one OB visit?  I'm having a hard time remembering if he actually came to one early in the pregnancy or not.  So I will give him credit for ONE.  One of far more many that I had with the previous 2 pregancies combined.  Now, I could understand if he was working during said appointments, but that is not the case...for most of them he chose to stay home and play video games, while I went alone.  And this point, I'm just used to it.  Now I have bi-weekly NSTs that I will be doing ALONE, and weekly OB visits...alone.  Starting to worry that most of raising this child will be spent the same way....alone.  Hopefully it is just a phase, and someday the love will be rekindled and we shall be one big happy family again...for this I pray.  And now I've upset myself, and am typing through the tears...I must stop.

Saturday, December 31, 2011

Year end (in photos)

A dear friend of mine posted her top photos for each month of 2011, and I thought it a fabulous idea and decided to follow in her footsteps:)


 Bringing in the new year!!
 Bringing in the new year!!

 Mother/daughter snow angels
Snow fun:)

 Dinosaur exhibits
 Building a 'snowgirl'
Valentine's for Sebastion


 Learning to slide alone
 Digging for worms
First trip to a water park


 Liliana's 3rd Birthday
Easter egg huntin'

 Daddy's little girl
 The perfect necklace, that was later lost:(
Learning to ride

 Puppy Love


Park time fun

New York City Trip with my Momma :)

Minnie and Me:)


 Pony Ride at the Fair
 Carousel Ride
 An evening with Cinderella
 Liliana with her Great Great Grandmother...just before she passed away
First glimpse of the baby bean.


 Certificate of year later
 Sebastion's 1st Birthday in Heaven

16 inch hair donation to Locks of Love in honor of Sebastion's Birthday
 Liliana's First Day of Preschool!


 Family Trip to the Columbus Zoo

 Tutu Fun

 Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Walk
 October 15 Wave of Light
 Homemade shirt for the memorial walk
 She can fly!!
Super Girl!!


 Getting Bigger

 Baby Boy!!
Bowling with Momma:)


 Perfect little profile
 Little Man

 Visting Santa
 Our puppy
 Liliana's first dance recital

Learning to write her own name:)

Post Santa
 Sebastion's Santa Bear
Decorated for Christmas

Looking has been a pretty good year.  A year that should have been so much different, but good all the same.... here's to an even better 2012...and to holding little man in my arms and watching him grow and watching his big sister fall in love with him.