Emotions run high

D and I have decided that it is best not to tell our 3 year old daughter that mommy is expecting a baby until it is obvious.  When I became pregnant with our son, SHE was the first person that I told, and SHE was the one who told her daddy.  She was soo excited to be a big sister, and losing Sebastion has been incredibly hard on her too.  To this day she still refers to the 'extra' bedroom as baby brother's room, and we only lived in this house for a little over a month before he died.  We hadn't even begun to decorate his room.  Although, it did house all the things that we had purchased for him... clothes, crib, bedding set.  All of these things have since been packed away because D thought it too difficult for me to look at.  Pulling them back out as we move forward with THIS pregnancy will bring many tears, I'm sure.

Even though we have not told her, I think she already knows.  Within a couple of days of peeing on a stick (ok, three) , I was laying on the couch and she came and laid directly on top of my chest, gave me a big hug and declared 'I love you mommy!' then she scooted her way down, laid her head on my belly and said ' but I love the baby in your belly most!!'  I was shocked.  She just smiled.  Like I said, losing Sebastion has been hard on her.  Very confusing to be honest.  Some days she gets it.  She KNOWS that he is in heaven, or on the moon (that varies from day to day too).  But there have been several days over the course of the past 11+ months that she has referred to him as the angel in mommy's tummy.  Those days have been tough... " Mommy... you have an angel in your tummy??"  Sigh.

Please understand that I am head over heels in love with this baby already, but I do not think that there will be a day go by in the next 8 months that I will be fearless.  I want to shout it from the rooftops that we are expecting, but instead, live in secret for fear of another loss.  I am sure that as time goes by I will feel comfortable with sharing our news...actually I have shared with my family, and D's momma, as well as my best friend... but they are the ones who have been there most through our time of loss.  They are the ones that I trust for support... just in case.  The desire to share is there, but the fear prevails.  Perhaps after my first doctors visit (which is monday)  I will gain a little courage, and strength, as I do believe I will be getting an internal ultrasound to better determine a due date.  I can not wait to see the little bean on the monitor screen!! 

This past weekend, the nightmares began.  I had dreams all night long that I had started bleeding.  Once I finally woke up, in tears, I ran to the bath room just to insure that it wasn't true...  It was not.  But, again... the fear.  I pray that the fear will subside, even just a little.

To end on a happy note... the meaning behind the title of this blog:

Mother/ Daughter art

My daughter is, and has always been my Sunshine.
My son... the Moon.  Between the time of his death and burying his ashes, our sweet little girl looked at his ultrasound picture that was hanging on the fridge and said...'Bye bye baby brother... I'll see you on the moon.'  Since that day, the moon has never looked the same.  Our little boy, lives on the moon.
And that brings us to the Rainbow... the calm after the storm.  Our little baby growing inside my belly... boy or girl... a precious gift from god, loved from the start.