Judging by my previous two pregnancies, I am going to go ahead and take a guess that this little rainbow bean is... a GIRL. I know, I know, it is MUCH too early for prediction, but based on the fact that when I was pregnant with Sebastion, I RARELY felt sick... not even a bit nauseous. When I was pregnant with Liliana, I spent nearly every day for the first 5-6 months wishing that I would throw up, just so that I would feel better. Soooo... you guessed it! The "morning sickness" has kicked in. I have spent the past week, mostly in the evenings, wondering if I forced myself to vomit, if I might feel better. Of course, I haven't actually tried the theory. AND I will take the sickness with pride... a small price to pay if you ask me.
D, also believes that our rainbow is a girl...gut instinct. And his track record is good...he was right about both of our other children:) We shall see if we are correct in about 12 weeks when the Dr sends us to a larger hospital out of town for a level 2 Ultrasound. In the meantime I will continue to pray for the health of our child... I honestly do not have a preference as to the sex... all I want is a healthy, living and breathing baby to hold in my arms. This rainbow will not fill the hole in my heart that Sebastion created, but I am hoping the ache in my arms will be relieved.
Friday, July 29, 2011
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Insult or Intuition?
We ventured out to the county fair last night with our daughter. This was the first year that she was able to ride on some of the rides... and boy oh boy did she have fun! Our little girl is growing up! It makes me proud to watch her do new things, and a little sad at the same time. Before becoming a mother I never realized the multitude of the statement "they grow up so fast!" And now it slaps me in the face on a daily basis.
The fair for me was a bit bittersweet. At this time last year, I was 5 months pregnant with Sebastion. We have photos of Lily riding a pony for the first time, at the age of 2, with me walking along beside her, baby in belly. These are the last photos I have of me pregnant with our little angel. At least the last photos of him kicking around in my belly.
So to do the same thing again one year later, only this time with a precious little rainbow... made me think. A lot. About the trials and tribulations over the past year, and about how blessed we are to get another chance. Thank you god!
Before the evening was over, we ran into an old 'friend' that we hadn't seen in nearly a year. We have lost touch with her since the split between her and her Ex. Her Ex is actually still a good friend of ours, who has gone on to have another child with his current girlfriend. This 'friend' went a little crazy and spent some time in a mental institution... no joke. I do not have time in my life for the drama that she carries, may sound harsh, but it is true. Moving on... she was attending the fair with her 13 year old son who looked at me and said... "You look like your pregnant again!" making the rounding handmotions over his own belly to indicate a baby bump. At first I smiled, and then I nudged his mother and stated... "your son just called me fat!" Yes, I know that I am pregnant... but at 7 weeks, it is not obvious! Yes... I could have stood to lose say about 20-30 pounds after the loss of our son, but, I've been in a bit of a depressive state, and to be honest, the way I look was one of my last concerns... In the past year I have only had my hair trimmed once. I just plain and simply haven't cared. But, seriously 'friend'... teach your kid some fucking respect! At the age of 13 you should truly know better than to say something like that to a woman who not even a year ago, lost a child. And YES he knows that we lost a child, his father came to the funeral. We still have not shared our news, so I know that he wasn't stating a fact... just plain being rude.
Ok. Rant. Finished.
 |
| Last years pony ride. |
So to do the same thing again one year later, only this time with a precious little rainbow... made me think. A lot. About the trials and tribulations over the past year, and about how blessed we are to get another chance. Thank you god!
Before the evening was over, we ran into an old 'friend' that we hadn't seen in nearly a year. We have lost touch with her since the split between her and her Ex. Her Ex is actually still a good friend of ours, who has gone on to have another child with his current girlfriend. This 'friend' went a little crazy and spent some time in a mental institution... no joke. I do not have time in my life for the drama that she carries, may sound harsh, but it is true. Moving on... she was attending the fair with her 13 year old son who looked at me and said... "You look like your pregnant again!" making the rounding handmotions over his own belly to indicate a baby bump. At first I smiled, and then I nudged his mother and stated... "your son just called me fat!" Yes, I know that I am pregnant... but at 7 weeks, it is not obvious! Yes... I could have stood to lose say about 20-30 pounds after the loss of our son, but, I've been in a bit of a depressive state, and to be honest, the way I look was one of my last concerns... In the past year I have only had my hair trimmed once. I just plain and simply haven't cared. But, seriously 'friend'... teach your kid some fucking respect! At the age of 13 you should truly know better than to say something like that to a woman who not even a year ago, lost a child. And YES he knows that we lost a child, his father came to the funeral. We still have not shared our news, so I know that he wasn't stating a fact... just plain being rude.
Ok. Rant. Finished.
Monday, July 25, 2011
A first glimpse...
I feel bit of relief for the first time in the past 3 weeks. Today's appointment went as well as can be expected. Pap, pelvic, many many questions, 9 viles of blood drawn, external and internal ultrasound... whew... it was a long morning!! But, so far, so good:)
Here is the first picture of our little rainbow bean (and YES! there is only one in there!)
Words can not express the joy in my heart when I caught a glimpse of the babies heart beating! The ultrasound tech (the same tech that I had with Sebastions final living ultrasound, and also the same girl who had the unpleasant task of the internal ultrasound after loss) was training a new tech. The new girl asked the standard questions: How many pregnancies does this make for you? 3. How many live pregnancies? 1. How far along was your miscarriage? Nearly 22 weeks. He was stillborn, nearly One year ago. The familiar, friendly tech spoke up: WOW! Really? It seems like just yesterday! I'm sorry sweetie. It was nice that she remembered. As she was watching the monitor she kept stating 'oh my...it's soo cute! such a tiny little baby!' as he or she was wiggling around.
I've never known that it was possible to feel so much joy and sorrow all at the same time.
Please pray for us, and for our Rainbow! And may Sebastion continue to be a guardian angel, as he becomes a big brother.
Words can not express the joy in my heart when I caught a glimpse of the babies heart beating! The ultrasound tech (the same tech that I had with Sebastions final living ultrasound, and also the same girl who had the unpleasant task of the internal ultrasound after loss) was training a new tech. The new girl asked the standard questions: How many pregnancies does this make for you? 3. How many live pregnancies? 1. How far along was your miscarriage? Nearly 22 weeks. He was stillborn, nearly One year ago. The familiar, friendly tech spoke up: WOW! Really? It seems like just yesterday! I'm sorry sweetie. It was nice that she remembered. As she was watching the monitor she kept stating 'oh my...it's soo cute! such a tiny little baby!' as he or she was wiggling around.
I've never known that it was possible to feel so much joy and sorrow all at the same time.
Please pray for us, and for our Rainbow! And may Sebastion continue to be a guardian angel, as he becomes a big brother.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Anticipation...
I can honestly say that I do not think I have ever been this excited for it to be monday!! Doctor's appointment in the morning! Hopefully Dr. S will ease my mind a bit, and a better estimated due date shall be determined:) Fabulous!!
And, quite possibly, the eerie feeling that I have been having will be settled. For some reason, I keep getting the feeling that there is a boy AND a girl incubating in there, but twins don't really run in my family, so I'm sure the feeling is probably wrong. This will be the first time that I have gone alone to a 'first' appointment. Sadly D has to work:( Makes me nervous, but I trust my doctor and am sure that we will have lots to talk about. I do believe he stated that if I were to become pregnant again that I would be considered high risk... many more appointments, many more ultrasounds...and possibly even seen by a high risk specialists at a much larger hospital. Deep breaths. Everything is going to be just fine.
Just keep swimming, just keep swimming... Swimming swimming...swimming swimming swimming.
And, quite possibly, the eerie feeling that I have been having will be settled. For some reason, I keep getting the feeling that there is a boy AND a girl incubating in there, but twins don't really run in my family, so I'm sure the feeling is probably wrong. This will be the first time that I have gone alone to a 'first' appointment. Sadly D has to work:( Makes me nervous, but I trust my doctor and am sure that we will have lots to talk about. I do believe he stated that if I were to become pregnant again that I would be considered high risk... many more appointments, many more ultrasounds...and possibly even seen by a high risk specialists at a much larger hospital. Deep breaths. Everything is going to be just fine.
Just keep swimming, just keep swimming... Swimming swimming...swimming swimming swimming.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Emotions run high
D and I have decided that it is best not to tell our 3 year old daughter that mommy is expecting a baby until it is obvious. When I became pregnant with our son, SHE was the first person that I told, and SHE was the one who told her daddy. She was soo excited to be a big sister, and losing Sebastion has been incredibly hard on her too. To this day she still refers to the 'extra' bedroom as baby brother's room, and we only lived in this house for a little over a month before he died. We hadn't even begun to decorate his room. Although, it did house all the things that we had purchased for him... clothes, crib, bedding set. All of these things have since been packed away because D thought it too difficult for me to look at. Pulling them back out as we move forward with THIS pregnancy will bring many tears, I'm sure.
Even though we have not told her, I think she already knows. Within a couple of days of peeing on a stick (ok, three) , I was laying on the couch and she came and laid directly on top of my chest, gave me a big hug and declared 'I love you mommy!' then she scooted her way down, laid her head on my belly and said ' but I love the baby in your belly most!!' I was shocked. She just smiled. Like I said, losing Sebastion has been hard on her. Very confusing to be honest. Some days she gets it. She KNOWS that he is in heaven, or on the moon (that varies from day to day too). But there have been several days over the course of the past 11+ months that she has referred to him as the angel in mommy's tummy. Those days have been tough... " Mommy... you have an angel in your tummy??" Sigh.
Please understand that I am head over heels in love with this baby already, but I do not think that there will be a day go by in the next 8 months that I will be fearless. I want to shout it from the rooftops that we are expecting, but instead, live in secret for fear of another loss. I am sure that as time goes by I will feel comfortable with sharing our news...actually I have shared with my family, and D's momma, as well as my best friend... but they are the ones who have been there most through our time of loss. They are the ones that I trust for support... just in case. The desire to share is there, but the fear prevails. Perhaps after my first doctors visit (which is monday) I will gain a little courage, and strength, as I do believe I will be getting an internal ultrasound to better determine a due date. I can not wait to see the little bean on the monitor screen!!
This past weekend, the nightmares began. I had dreams all night long that I had started bleeding. Once I finally woke up, in tears, I ran to the bath room just to insure that it wasn't true... It was not. But, again... the fear. I pray that the fear will subside, even just a little.
To end on a happy note... the meaning behind the title of this blog:
My daughter is, and has always been my Sunshine.
My son... the Moon. Between the time of his death and burying his ashes, our sweet little girl looked at his ultrasound picture that was hanging on the fridge and said...'Bye bye baby brother... I'll see you on the moon.' Since that day, the moon has never looked the same. Our little boy, lives on the moon.
And that brings us to the Rainbow... the calm after the storm. Our little baby growing inside my belly... boy or girl... a precious gift from god, loved from the start.
Even though we have not told her, I think she already knows. Within a couple of days of peeing on a stick (ok, three) , I was laying on the couch and she came and laid directly on top of my chest, gave me a big hug and declared 'I love you mommy!' then she scooted her way down, laid her head on my belly and said ' but I love the baby in your belly most!!' I was shocked. She just smiled. Like I said, losing Sebastion has been hard on her. Very confusing to be honest. Some days she gets it. She KNOWS that he is in heaven, or on the moon (that varies from day to day too). But there have been several days over the course of the past 11+ months that she has referred to him as the angel in mommy's tummy. Those days have been tough... " Mommy... you have an angel in your tummy??" Sigh.
Please understand that I am head over heels in love with this baby already, but I do not think that there will be a day go by in the next 8 months that I will be fearless. I want to shout it from the rooftops that we are expecting, but instead, live in secret for fear of another loss. I am sure that as time goes by I will feel comfortable with sharing our news...actually I have shared with my family, and D's momma, as well as my best friend... but they are the ones who have been there most through our time of loss. They are the ones that I trust for support... just in case. The desire to share is there, but the fear prevails. Perhaps after my first doctors visit (which is monday) I will gain a little courage, and strength, as I do believe I will be getting an internal ultrasound to better determine a due date. I can not wait to see the little bean on the monitor screen!!
This past weekend, the nightmares began. I had dreams all night long that I had started bleeding. Once I finally woke up, in tears, I ran to the bath room just to insure that it wasn't true... It was not. But, again... the fear. I pray that the fear will subside, even just a little.
To end on a happy note... the meaning behind the title of this blog:
 |
| Mother/ Daughter art |
My daughter is, and has always been my Sunshine.
My son... the Moon. Between the time of his death and burying his ashes, our sweet little girl looked at his ultrasound picture that was hanging on the fridge and said...'Bye bye baby brother... I'll see you on the moon.' Since that day, the moon has never looked the same. Our little boy, lives on the moon.
And that brings us to the Rainbow... the calm after the storm. Our little baby growing inside my belly... boy or girl... a precious gift from god, loved from the start.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
A new dawn, a new day, and I'm feeling...
Amazed.
Blessed.
Happy.
Frightened.
Wait... did I mention shocked!?
I have so many feelings and emotions going on all at once. Never knew it was possible to be so unbelievably happy and scared all at the same time. I have prayed for this child over and over again, but that doesn't make it any less of a surprise. Thank you lord for your many blessings in my life, and please continue to keep your hand on my shoulder and help me protect and grow this child so that he or she may be born into our world breathing, healthy, and alive.
Blessed.
Happy.
Frightened.
I have so many feelings and emotions going on all at once. Never knew it was possible to be so unbelievably happy and scared all at the same time. I have prayed for this child over and over again, but that doesn't make it any less of a surprise. Thank you lord for your many blessings in my life, and please continue to keep your hand on my shoulder and help me protect and grow this child so that he or she may be born into our world breathing, healthy, and alive.
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