Little heartbeats...

This past doctors appointment brought me to tears.   Twice.

The nurse called me back after waiting in the waiting area for nearly 45 minutes.  The doctors office is extremely busy these days!  The routine began... weight (still managing to stay within 1 pound of when I found out I was pregnant) blood pressure, and pain?  etc.  And then she tells me that she is going to check for the heartbeat with the doppler.  Gasp.  The moment I've been waiting for! She proceeds to tell me the same speech doc had given me the week before... 'You are still fairly early in this pregnancy so please do not be alarmed if we are unable to hear anything.' 
She applies the blue gel and rubs the wand around a little bit before turning the speaker on...  And then....
When she turns the switch on the speaker the thumpity thump thump of a little heart beat INSTANTLY filled the room.  Her eyes grew wide and she smiled at me, as tears filled my eyes.  "I couldn't do that again if I tried!" she exclaimed.  "That just made my day.  I was having a bad day up until this point, now I feel much better."  I told her that she had just made my week...and that I had been worried all week about this very moment.   Then we just sat there in awe of the wonderful sound.  It took about a minute for the doppler to record the rate of the heartbeat... a very strong 160!
The sweetest sound I had heard in over a year. 
Then I was left alone in my giddiness until the doctor joined me 20 minutes or so later.  I decided it would be a good time to try to finish up my book... Heaven is for Real.  Which made me cry, again. I was near the end of the book, and if you have read it, I will just say that I read the part about the babysitters experience, and the tears started flowing.  If you haven't read the book... I highly recommend it!
I heard a knock at the door and in walks a doctor that I have never met.  Her name is Dr. Stilson, and she happens to be the wife of MY doctor S.  Nothing against the woman, but I think I was uneasy from the get go.  When I had scheduled this appointment the receptionist had informed me that they were trying to rotate patients through the doctors to try to ease up Dr. S's load a bit, but I guess I had forgotten.  As a baby loss mom who is terrified of being pregnant again.... it is not a good idea to introduce a new doctor, just saying.  She shakes my hand and has a seat.  And proceeds to ask me all the standard questions that a doctor would ask a new patient.  Then she asks me how many pregnancies this makes for me... 3.  Any problems with the previous 2?  (SERIOUSLY!!  The answer to that question is not in my fucking file right in front of your fucking face?!)  Gulp.  Yes.  My last pregnancy ended in stillbirth.  OH.  How far along?  Almost 22 weeks.  Do you know the cause?  Ummm... I had a subchorionic hemmorhage.  Started bleeding around week 12 and then I stopped feeling him move just past 21 weeks, he had no heart beat.  I'm sorry.  The 'interview' continued for about 15 minutes, and she explained that I would be going to a larger hospital @18-20 weeks for a level 2 ultrasound, at which point I asked her if I would have an ultrasound between now and then... her response was it was not routine.  I was bummed.  For some reason I was under the impression that I would be having a lot more ultrasounds with this pregnancy than with my other 2.  She told me that if it would make me feel better that I could be seen once a week in the office to help ease my mind.  At this point, I think that is a little excessive and agreed to every other week... when leaving, the receptionist scheduled my appointment for 2 weeks from the day, I quickly asked if THAT appointment would be with Dr S.  NO... it will be with Dr. Stilson.  I 'politely' explained to her that I had just had my first appointment with Stilson and that I personally feel more comfortable with Dr. S.  No offense to anyone, but I do not wish to be seen by anyone else.  She changed my appointment:)  And I have high hopes that when I see Dr. S next week, he will feel the need to get an inside look... fingers crossed.

Life keeps moving right along...

My baby started preschool today!  I can't believe I am a mom of a preschooler!  My heart is happy, sad, and proud all at once.  She was already fitting right in, playing with her classmates before I walked out the door.

Our little Sebastion has had a star named after him!  My dear sweet amazing friend Kate had a star named in his honor as a 1st Birthday present.  I can't think of a better way to honor a child in the sky... her generosity amazes me:)  She had a star named after her son a while back and managed to be able to get both of our boys stars with in the same constellation... Orion's belt.  What she doesn't know is that Orion is a name that I had SERIOUSLY considered naming Sebastion before he was born.

And our little rainbow baby bean is growing right along... Dr. appointment friday morning... I CANNOT wait to hear that precious little heartbeat!My baby started preschool today!  I can't believe I am a mom of a preschooler!  My heart is happy, sad, and proud all at once.

Doctor's visit

On monday I went back to the OB for a 3 week follow up appointment.  This time I did not have any one to watch Liliana so she had to go with me.  When I told her that mommy had to go see the doctor she quickly responded with "do you have to go get your boobs checked again mommy?"  Haha.  Such a cute kid she is.  I told her "no...this time mommy needs to go have her belly checked out."  And left it at that.
When we arrived at the doctor's office, the waiting room was quite filled.  My appointment was set for 10:15, we walked in at 10:16, because in my life, I can't seem to be on time for anything.  We sat in waiting as one by one each and every person in the room was called back, until finally, we were the only 2 people left.  Once I realized that we were all alone, I was struck with a moment of panic. I looked at my phone to check the time...it was after 11.  Gasp.  Are they saving me for last for a reason?!  Am I about to be told some extremely bad news and they don't want to freak anyone else out?!  Just as the thoughts had passed through my mind the door opened and in walked a very full baby belly.  A sigh of relief.  I was no longer alone.  It pisses me off that I have those moments of panic for no reason at all.   A few minutes later, my name is called and we are on our way.
As the nurse is weighing me in (I lost a pound!:))  Dr S walks through the hall and notices Liliana.  He was amazed at how tall she is, asks her age... "3!" she proclaims...and he insist that she could pass for 5...perhaps even 6 at her height.  She giggles and makes her sheepish face as she touches her chin to her chest in shyness.
Into the exam room we go.  The nurse ask the usual questions...any pain? cramping? bleeding?  Yes. No. No.  My back and hips have been bothering me quite a bit, the occasional headaches... aside from that... not so bad.  She takes my blood pressure as Lily explains to me:  "Mommy, it's going to get real tight, but it's not so bad, it will be ok."  118/64.  Good. 
Time for a urine sample.  Trying to explain to a 3 year old why mommy has to pee in a cup is a bit comical.  "Well, momma!  Do I have to pee in a cup too?!"  No sweetie... "Good!  Cuz I DON'T  WANNA!"
Back to the exam room where miss Lily becomes the entertainment spinning in the dr's chair.
Finally, the Doc comes in to greet us.  Asks me how I'm feeling, makes a little small talk, and then states that he is going to check and see if he can find the baby's heartbeat.    At this point, I am just over 9 weeks, so the chances of actually hearing the heart beat are slim, but he wants to check anyway.  "Please do not panic if we don't have any luck, you are still very early," he says.  Lily stops in her tracks when she sees the doppler touch mommies belly, and asks "Are you ok mommy?"  Yes baby, mommy is fine:)  He tries for a few minutes and then decides that today is not the day.  He then takes a seat and scans through his laptop checking all the results of the testing he had ordered 3 weeks prior.  "Normal, normal, normal... levels are in good range, normal, good, good.  All of your testing looks good, every thing came back normal.  And the scans from the ultrasound look good as well."  So far so good.  That is what I like to hear.  I go back  a week from friday in hopes that by then we will be able to hear the baby's heartbeat with the doppler:)  At that point, I will be 11 weeks... fingers crossed.
Thanks for all the prayers!  They are helping so far:)

Follow up... boob style.

Today I had a 3 month check up with the breast surgeon.  I did not have a baby sitter, so my 3 year old had the pleasure of escorting me to the doctor.   Fortunately, the doctor is a nice doctor, with children of her own and a constant smile on her face.  Not the typical image you would picture for a surgeon, she is more of 'Teddy' from Grey's Anatomy. Anyhow, Lily and I are sitting in the examining room waiting patiently when she knocks on the door... she walks in wearing a very beautiful sweater...covered in giraffe print.  It was perfect.  I wanted to say something to her about how giraffes remind me of my son, but I refrained... kept the moment all to myself.    She makes small talk with Lily about how she couldn't possibly be 3 because she is much too tall... and then looks at me and says 'so your pregnant...is that a good thing?'  My response... 'I hope so.  But I am really nervous considering my last child was stillborn.'  She tells me that she is sorry, and then proceeds to ask Lily if she would like a new baby in the house?  Liliana responds with 'YES!  My mommy has a baby in her tummy, and I am going to have a little sister!'  (mind you, we still haven't actually told Liliana this, she is just very perceptive and has figured it out on her own)  The doctor proceeds... well what if you have a little brother instead, are you going to throw him out?  To which she responds, I already have a little brother, he is in heaven.  I'm going to have a little sister!  (angry voice)

Anyhow... good news is... with the growing of the breast tissue due to pregnancy, the cyst can no longer be felt...so the doctor believes I am in the clear.  Go back again in one year, when I should be breast feeding for a follow up ultrasound.  The look on my daughters face when the doctor was doing a thorough breast exam was priceless.  As if to say, Who the heck is this woman and WHY is she squeezing mommies boobs like that!!??   Stop it lady!

In other news... one week from yesterday is the anniversary of when Sebastion died.  One week from tomorrow is his first birthday.  Sigh.  How has an entire year passed since I held him in my arms?!  And who the fuck is the person that says time heals all wounds?!  I miss him deeply and would do anything for circumstances to be different.